Woohoo! :)

Almost every day at 4pm from the time I was 13 until I was about 16, I would get a headache. It would usually last until swim practice, and afterwards would either dissipate, or continue to annoy me until I went to sleep.  They were never the annoying little headaches; they were always the ones that made you cringe, and made you throw your hood over your face to block out all light because colors started to change their hues and the shapes of things got all funny.  Now, if you have a headache everyday, even one of these, you eventually get used to it.  It becomes part of your routine; you learn when to take the Advil, knowing that it may or may not help, and cross your fingers.  I’m not saying they ever stopped hurting or that I became immune to them, but I got better at functioning, especially in public, while I had one.  Swimming was always strange with them.  The coach would yell at me for swimming slowly, but he didn’t realize how strange it was to move like that with a migraine.  I had to keep my head perfectly still and balanced while the rest of my body rotated and worked to keep me moving, because even the tiniest of jerks would cause a flood of throbbing throughout my entire skull.  Needless to say, I learned to keep still.  The endorphins from the exercise must have helped somewhat, but eventually I learned to ignore them during work outs.  Why am I writing a long winded blog about my headaches?  Well, today, at 4 o’clock, 4 years after the headaches slowed down, my head started to throb.  It was a familiar feeling, but being migraine-less for so long caught me off guard.  After days straight of headache after headache, I really DID get used to them.  After 4 years, headache-free, I couldn’t take it.  After a few errands I had to run (my brother’s finch got sick and we had to take him to the little bird doctor), I sat in a chair in my living room, and I did not leave that chair for hours.  I would get a few steps, almost keel over from the oh-so-familiar throbbing, and have to go back and sit down.  It wasn’t until about 8 pm that I braved the stairs.  I attempted to send a text message, and only succeeded the 2nd time (the screen was SO BRIGHT!), explaining how I needed to be a man, and get a little tougher, to which the receiver responded, “but you’re not a man.”  And then I didn’t really know what to say.  How do WOMEN respond to pain, if they don’t tough it out?  Do they complain about it, bitch, moan, pretend it isn’t there and clean the house, maybe make someone a sandwich, too?  No.  Women blog about it. So here is my blog of complaints, revisited, with the most horrendous migraine I have ever experienced.  Its so bad, I had to turn the brightness down on my laptop monitor just to type this out.  Why can’t I just remember how to make it stop?  

Cold and frosty morning there’s not a lot to say
About the things caught in my mind
And as the day was dawning my plane flew away
With all the things caught in my mind 

I don’t wanna be there when you’re …
Coming down
I don’t wanna be there when you hit the ground 

So dont go away, say what you say
Say that you’ll stay
Forever and a day … In the time of my life
Cos I need more time, yes I need more time just to make things right 

Damn my situation and the games I have to play
With all the things caught in my mind
Damn my education I can’t find the words to say
With all the things caught in my mind 

Me and you whats going on?
All we seem to know is how to show
The feelings that are wrong

And so begins my new journey!  New people, new things.  Same school.  At least for now… But one thing is for sure: whatever happens, I will never stray that far from a book again.  I’d rather live in someone else’s dreamed up world than be stuck here, at this desk.

Here’s something to think about:

I had the best friends a person could ask for.  I wanted more, new.  But I forgot what I learned from those musical movies when I was a little kid.  ”Make new friends, but keep the old; some are silver, and the other gold.”  Why don’t they put messages like that into adult situations? I don’t think it ever stuck.  But maybe that’s why I play kingdom hearts: for the sappy plot telling everyone how important friendships are.  Everyone has so much to learn.  I’m almost 20 years old and I don’t think I’ve learned anything at all.  Nothing of heartbreak, loss, sorrow, grief.  Why don’t they have an answer for those things in children’s shows?  I’ve never felt anger.  Only fear and jealousy… Why are there so many bad emotions, but only one good one?  Happy.  Excited, maybe.  Nervous can go both ways.  In love… Well, that one only causes trouble in the end.  Maybe I should post more when I’m happier, instead of when I’m sad…